Jake and Ness Finally Do It
by silveraure
Summary: Five years after Breaking Dawn... Emmett and Rosalie give Jacob and Nessie access to their "love shack" for their first night together... will it be as awkward as we all hope? Sit back and enjoy this ridiculous and irreverent glimpse into the future!


**All Twilight characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer.**

**I hope you enjoy this goofy one-shot – I always wondered how awkward Jake and Nessie's first time together would be, and now we can all sit back and enjoy the train wreck together. *passes popcorn***

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_Five years after Breaking Dawn..._

**Jake and Ness Finally Do It**

Everything had to be perfect.

Which of course meant that it would inevitably be riddled with the proverbial bullet holes of humiliating failure, but all the same he had to try.

Jake spent the afternoon trying to make the living room of Rosalie's and Emmett's love shack look a little less like the terrifyingly erotic den of sin that it was and more like the serene, tastefully romantic scenes Jake had conjured up time and time again in his head every time he imagined his first time with Ness.

He sighed. _Renesmee._

He could hardly believe that such a beautiful, smart, sexy girl like Ness would ever fall for the overgrown doof that Jake was. She was a half-vampire that could project thoughts with a single touch of her clammy palm, and he was a (sort of) werewolf that had slipped her mom tongue once, but somehow the star-crossed lovers had come together. It hadn't hurt that Jake's particular breed of not-quite-werewolf imprinted on the person they were meant to be with forever or that he'd been following Ness around with his tongue slung out over his lip since the moment she was gnawed from her mother's womb by her father's pearly whites. It also hadn't hurt that they were both full of the usual angst-ridden-hump-your-pillow hormones that plague all red-blooded youth. But all that mattered was that they were in _love_ and tonight they had decided to seal the deal with that timeless act of awkward fumbling and embarrassing noises - _SEX._

Jake worried over every detail. Candles? Flowers? Chocolate? He considered the implications of accidentally setting his half-vampire girlfriend ablaze and ultimately rejected candles. He didn't want her to be too intimidated – after all, Nessie had fallen in love with the _real_ Jacob Black - the one who didn't bathe all that frequently and tried to cover up that fact with an inordinate amount of _Axe_ brand cologne - she didn't want to be dazzled by champagne or emotional maturity. No, Jake would be as much himself as he could be.

After she'd gotten over her initial (and violent) reluctance to the idea of lending her house to her favorite niece and her least favorite mutt, Rosalie had strictly forbidden the use of her bed. Not that Jake REALLY wanted to go within a thirty-foot pole of that cesspool of questionable bodily fluids. He had heard that vampire semen sparkled, and he didn't really want to determine the veracity of that rumor. That bed was best to be avoided. And possibly the couch. Instead he had decided to stage a romantic fireplace-side picnic, complete with blankets and Chinese take-out. He had brought a few blankets from home, a few Glade Plug-Ins that promised to hit romantic olfactory notes (remember, no candles!), and his iPod filled with the sappiest emo love songs he could find. (He had had to raid Edward's iTunes account for some of the angstier ones).

He was just turning the music onto a _Death Cab for Cutie_ ballad (that frankly didn't really fit the scene, but what the hell) when he heard a knock at the door. He panicked and considered running out the back door to become a monk before he finally forced himself to calm down and answer the damn door. Renesmee stood in the doorway, a sweet vision in a periwinkle cotton sundress (that showed her satin purple bra straps a little) and Mary Jane's. Jake stared at her with his mouth open, already wishing that he had died some time in the last five minutes.

Ness smiled and blushed as she noticed him checking her out. "Hi, Jake!" she said with a giggle. When he continued to gawk at her in silence she looked over his shoulder into the living room behind. "Can I come in?" she asked. She shifted nervously and clutched the straps of her purse tighter.

"Uhh..." he articulated. "Yeah, of course!" He stood aside and gestured grandly for her to enter. Jake could already feel his hands shaking as he closed the door behind them. "I hope you're hungry - I mean, I LOVE YOU," he blurted out, remember that the real reason Ness had come over was to boink like bunnies, and not to eat mediocre Chinese food.

Ness looked taken aback, but laughed lightly to ease the mood. "I love you, too, Jake. And yes, I'm hungry." She had the grace to blush again (because as we all know, girls should be ashamed of eating). Her heart was pounding so hard in her throat she didn't know if she'd be able to eat a bite. She was only able to look directly at Jake for a moment before returning her eyes to their random wanderings over Rosalie's living room. It wasn't as tacky as she would have thought, given Rosalie's fondness for bedazzling and bondage.

Jake frantically wiped his sweating palms on the side of his jeans before extending a hand to Ness. "Come and sit down! We're going to have a picnic." He managed to meet her eyes for a second before he thought he might throw up.

She blushed again. "Jake! That's so sweet!" She followed him to the blanket laid out in front of the fireplace.

Before they could sit, Jake's eyes bulged out in shock as he noticed a few not-so-subtle stains on the worn Ninja Turtle comforter he had brought from home. "Ummmm don't mind those stains, they're from... protein shakes," he blurted out. I'd make some excuse for his oversight, but _seriously, dude?_

Again, Ness had the grace to blush. Someone should really check her blood pressure. She sat down gracefully on the blanket and gestured for him to join her. He plopped down beside her and looked hopelessly lost as to his next course of action. Then, mercifully, he remembered the food. He smiled and gestured to the take-out boxes he had artfully arranged on the hearth. "I didn't know what kind you liked, so I got one of everything!" he said with a lopsided grin.

She laughed, "Yeah, I'm sure you didn't just order one of everything because you intended to eat them all later. Seriously, you wolves eat more than it seems would be humanly—oh wait."

Jake pretended to look offended and said, "But I'm a growing boy!"

Ness laughed again and put her hand on his leg, "I know you are, baby, I was just joking!"

They both turned to look at her hand on his leg.

They both gulped.

They both turned away shyly.

"Soo," Ness said, trying to break the tension. "I think I'll try this one." She grabbed a box at random and looked around for a utensil to eat it with.

Jake smacked his palm to his forehead with a resounding _thwock_ (which I'm sure does not indicate his head's vacancy in the slightest). "Crap, I'm sorry! I forgot plates...and forks...and napkins..." he shook his head. "This is so unromantic, I'm sorry."

"No, no, no!" Ness said quickly. "I don't care how 'romantic' it is - I only care that I'm with you." She looked up at him lovingly, completely enchanted by his deep brown eyes and surprisingly trendy hipster haircut. She loved that he was going through all of this (albeit failed) effort to make things romantic. She set the take-out box aside and reached out for his hands. "Jake, I know how hard you tried to impress me tonight, but honestly I think we'll both feel better if we just...you know," she squirmed as she said the next words, "_did it_ and got it over with."

Jake looked at her as if she had just offered to blow him in front of the entire tribe. "Are you sure?" he asked in a voice that was much too shrill. "You want to just go ahead...and do it?"

Ness gave him a small smile and nodded.

Jake gulped and his heart began to pound a sizeable dent in his chest. In one second he had an erection that promised of blissful passion, but in the next second he had lost it to thoughts of cold (and cruelly un-hard) reality. _What the hell am I doing?_ he thought miserably. He licked his lips nervously, and said, "OK...", before leaning in to kiss her.

She leaned in to kiss him back, but unfortunately (and hilariously) they only succeeded in knocking teeth with one another. Which is painful even if you're both super human.

"OW!" they both yelled and recoiled. Jake looked embarrassed, but persevered. "Let's try that again, shall we?" Ness giggled and nodded. He leaned in to kiss her properly - a long, wet, sloppy tongue kiss that left both of them tingling and moist.

"Jake..." Ness moaned into his mouth. She pressed her hand to his cheek and projected images of a butterfly-filled meadow and moonlit beaches, which Jake chose to interpret as her enjoyment of the kiss and not her unvoiced wish to be anywhere but here. His mind raced to plot his next move. Maybe he should just follow the order of the bases? First base was done - repeatedly and desperately over the last several weeks. Second base had been attempted and subsequently aborted on several occasions due to clumsiness. He thought he should try again. While they were kissing Jake tentatively brought his hand up to cup one of her enviably perky breasts. Ness shivered and leaned into his touch, encouraging him with images of rose petals and satin sheets. He gave her breast a testing squeeze. No slap to the face. Aaaaaand second base achieved!

While Jake pawed pathetically at her breasts, Ness helplessly ran her hands down his arms. The only erogenous region she had ever heard of on a guy was a little advanced for this stage of foreplay, wasn't it? She wasn't sure. She decided to just start removing his clothing. She gently tugged on the bottom edge of his shirt, accidentally reminding Jake in the process that her hand was dangerously close to his crotch. Jake gasped and pulled away from her slightly.

"What's wrong?" she asked, biting her lip in that clichély coy way that drove him out of his mind. "I just thought... that maybe I should take off your shirt?"

He blinked a few times. It was a stalling technique he had picked up from Bella. "Uh, yeah, yeah, of course," he stammered. He hurriedly removed his shirt, revealing a gorgeously defined chest that Ness found herself staring at. Jake broke her trance by saying, "Should I take off your dress now?"

She looked into his eyes and nodded solemnly. "Yes," she whispered. "I want you to take it off now."

Let's have a big welcome back to Jake's erection! And can we have a round of applause for the elasticity of his underwear?

Jake wordlessly reached down to the hem of her dress and pulled it up slowly, revealing her lacy purple panties, the smooth plane of her stomach, and finally that tantalizing purple satin bra he had been able to see through the top of her sundress. At this point, Jake fell into a fit of mute gaping, all the while oblivious to Ness's struggles to get the dress over her head. "Jake!" she cried finally. "A little help!"

He snapped back to consciousness – oh, delicious throbbing-crotched awareness – and was able to pull the dress the rest of the way over her hair. Ness frantically tried to smooth her hair and cover herself simultaneously. Jake, in a surprisingly forward move, caught her arm before she could drape it over her herself. "No," he said softly. "Don't cover yourself. You're beautiful." He gently pushed her back onto the blanket and planted a tender kiss on her collarbone.

She sighed and relaxed under his touch, delighting in the way he traced his finger over the outline of her bra and spread kisses worshipfully over her throat, breasts, and stomach.

He reached to unclasp the bra and she stiffened. "Is this not OK?" he asked worriedly.

Um," she said anxiously, "You don't have to do that." She was mentally beating herself over the head. Why, of all things, did the only pretty bra she owned also happen to be a water bra?

"Why not?" he asked, trying to conceal the disappointment in his voice. "Do you want me to take off all of my clothes first?" He reached threateningly for his belt buckle.

"No, no, no!" she said hastily, eager to postpone the sanctity of her virgin eyes a few precious moments longer. She sighed and sat up. She looked at the floor guiltily and admitted in a hoarse whisper, "It's just... it's a water bra. _They_ won't look as big with the bra off."

Jake had the indignity to laugh, and Ness scowled. "No, I'm not laughing at you!" he hurriedly said. "I mean, I am, sort of... but not like that!" Amazingly smooth, that Jake. Like butter. He managed to spit out the few complimentary words that could atone for his idiocy: "I mean, you're crazy if you think I care how big your, uh, breasts are. I'm going to love you and want to sleep with you no matter what."

Adequately appeased, Ness removed her bra. Jake took in the sight of her naked breasts as one might regard a noted work of art or the vision of Jesus miraculously branded on a grilled cheese sandwich. He moaned hopelessly and fell upon them with urgent, open-mouthed kisses. He took one of her glorious nipples into his mouth and did what could probably be considered drooling. But we're not here to judge. He gently spread her legs apart and knelt between them while he worshiped at the altar of her breasts.

Ness felt her inhibition leave her, and while he was so pleasantly occupied with her breasts she slid a probing hand down his stomach and into the waistband of his pants, filling his already horny brain with images of herself rubbing a soapy loofah over her sparkly body in the shower. Jake groaned, and I'm embarrassed to relate to you that at this point in the story he actually began to dry hump her. It's not pretty, but there you have it. I suppose we have to keep in mind that he is part dog.

Believe it or not, this drove Ness crazy. In a good way. She gasped and began to unbuckle his belt. Catching her drift, Jake clawed frantically at the buckle, button, and zipper that separated his throbbing regard for her and her delicious lacy purple panties. In a moment he was naked, kneeling before her, and visibly prepared to fuck the living daylights out of her. Ness stared in slack-jawed awe at the sight of his unexpectedly not-unlarge member. Emmett had lied. It looked nothing like a dog's penis. Jake blushed self-consciously and looked away. She shyly reached a hand out to touch him, projecting sexy images that caused him to draw in his breath sharply.

"Oh baby," he closed his eyes and groaned, his mind awash with the beautiful and sensual images she was giving him. "It feels so amazing when you touch me." She wrapped her hand around his engorged member and began to stroke him. He felt faint with the knowledge that a girl would actually want to touch him there. He only hoped she didn't touch too much lest he, ahem, spill the beans too soon.

Graciously remember that there was another person involved in this, he slide his hand down the front of her lacy purple panties. It was Ness's turn to groan as she felt his hand sliding between her legs and embarrassingly (for her) encountering the warm wetness that had pooled there. His eyes opened in surprise and, as most teenage boys do, said the first thing that came to his mind: "Wow, you're so wet!"

Ness didn't have time to be embarrassed, because within seconds Jake had literally ripped her panties off and planted his face in her crotch. (Sigh. The eagerness of youth.) Ness cried out in shock and pleasure as Jake inexpertly slobbered over most sensitive area, grabbing his hair to encourage his ministrations. Spurred on by her cries he slid an experimental finger inside of her. "Jake!" she panted. "Oh Jake, baby, that feels so good..." She felt her body begin to melt and her limbs go limp. She suddenly experienced an insanely compelling urge to have more than his finger inside of her. Desperately she moaned to him, "Do you have the condom?" She had thankfully learned from the mistakes of her parents. No puppies for her any time soon, thank you very much.

Jake was off of her in an instant, bounding to the "Love Kit" that Emmett had thoughtfully provided him. He rummaged through the kit, tossing out all manners of creepy instruments – dildos, vibrators, anal plugs, a pickaxe... – that he sincerely hoped Emmett had never used before (or at least had washed thoroughly). Finally he found the condoms and hastily returned to Ness with the small package clutched triumphantly in his fist. With her help he unrolled it over his length (to their amusement they discovered it was bacon-scented, Jake suspected that Rosalie had had something to do with that) and soon he knelt at attention between her legs, anxiously hovering over the threshold of adulthood.

"Go ahead," she said huskily, gripping the blanket for encouragement. "Go inside."

He gulped. Bracing himself, he slowly pushed into her opening. Almost immediately he encountered resistance. His palms began sweating again but he tried not to panic. He pushed forward a few more millimeters, but still something prevented his entry. He thought frantically of the pickaxe in Emmett's "Love Kit"...

"Is something wrong?" she asked, nervously staring at the ceiling and willing her body to relax. "Is it... is it my hymen?" she asked nervously.

"I think so," he said breathlessly. "I don't want to hurt you..."

"You won't," she said, knowing that he probably would.

"OK," he said, letting out a shaky breath. He forced himself through the barrier, causing them both to cry out – one in pleasure and one in pain. Jake nearly jizzed himself as her tight warmth encased him. He looked up at Ness for permission to continue, and she forced a tight nod to encourage him. He began to move slowly inside of her, and as he moved she came to relax and eventually to enjoy it.

"Yes, baby..." she said softly. "That feels good." She wrapped her arms around him and pushed the scene of a fiery sunset over the mountains onto him.

"It does?" he asked incredulously, completely lost in the pleasurable sensations ravaging his body. He didn't think he could last long, and he guiltily admitted as much to Ness. She was about to rattle off some feminine bullshit about how that didn't matter, but before she was even able to he was seized by a spasm of bliss.

He stated the obvious – "I'm coming!" – as he joyously released inside of her. He collapsed on top of her and covered her face with grateful and loving kisses. "Baby, I'm sorry I finished too quick – but THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING." He grinned deliriously at her and said, "I love you so much, Bella."

Wait... _what?_

His comment was greeted with icy silence. Finally, Ness spoke slowly and deliberately, so that his tiny male brain could comprehend and appreciate every venomous word, "What. Did. You. Say?"

Jake snorted with laughter, "Nessie, I was JOKING! You know that, right? Bella would never let me fuck her."

Instead of slapping him with all the half-vampiric strength she could muster, she simply placed her hand delicately on his cheek and allowed a vision of her father Edward in a slightly-too-small European thong bikini to creep into Jacob's vision. In the vision, Edward bent over to pick up his towel that had fallen to the floor, his pale, slightly hairy ass large and forefront in Jacob's mind.

Jacob squealed in protest and began retching violently. "NESS, BABY, STOP THAT!" He tried to raise his hands to his face in order to claw his eyes out but Ness held his arms down firmly.

She threw back her head and laughed cruelly at him, biting his neck playfully in retaliation. "Serves you right, you big jerk." She punched his arm for emphasis.

"Owww!" he said, rubbing his sore arm and scowling down at her. "I was just joking, geez! You know I love you, Renesmee Cullen – more than anything in the world."

She arched an eyebrow. "More than you thought you loved my mother?"

"A million times more," he vowed, meaning every word.

She grinned back at him. "I love you, too, Jacob Black."

Jake sighed and rolled off of her, pulling her close to him in an embrace. He whispered in her ear, "And we can try... the sex thing... again later – I promise it will be better next time."

She smiled and snuggled up to his warm, tingling body. "I know it will, baby. I'm not worried. I know we'll get plenty of practice."

Jake raised his eyebrow, "How much practice?"

"Plenty," she promised with a laugh.

They giggled and kissed and blushed enough for a writhing swarm of cumbersome teenage lovers. Various sappy sentiments were exchanged, which I won't nauseate you with. Basically they confessed their undying love for each other, etc, etc and got into an argument over who was sweeter or sexier or more flexible. But this is generally where I start wrapping up the story with thought-provoking insights on falling in love and losing one's virginity, but I'm not really in to self-indulgent philosophizing. So, as abruptly and premature as Jake's orgasm, I will end this story.

**THE END.**

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